Friday 24^th January, 2003

Water

For Yusuf

The days flow through me like a river, relentless on it’s quest for the large body of water.  It rushes, happy like a child, so blue, so clear, so fresh, gushing, lapping around the edges, moving without care, unfettered by obstacles.  I’ve tried to stop them.  Tried to tell them that there is a resting stone, there, right over there by the bank, but they don’t listen.

“mommy, look! I made pee pee!” he says to me, sitting on his blue and yellow potty with the handles like arm rests.  His body so tiny, so skinny and so transparent.  “Wow!” I exclaim and he says “go away now.  Don’t stay here,” a sudden frown between his eyes.  He is growing…I tell the river.  Too fast, can’t you see, I plead with the days.  But they too are children, rushing on and they don’t hear. 

Something got lost in the rush.  I’ve searched for it, not knowing what it was I was looking for, realizing then that it was me.  It’s as if the river rushes around me, but I’m standing still.  Why won’t I let go I wonder, rush along with the waves that rise in the white foam, glide along with him, watch him grow without the feel of fear tugging at my feet, pulling me under. 

“come play with me in my room mommy,” he looks up at me, his eyes pools of black.  He has my eyes. “I can’t now honey,” I say.  “Mommy has to do some work,”…

Work, cook, read…so much to do, so much to clean when you are stuck in the earth.  All that the river carries with it clings to you, climbs on you, pulls you down further.  “Just let go” the blues whisper as they rush around me, laughing.  “close your eyes, pull your feet out and let the water carry you out…” 

“Can you read me a story… mommy?” He smells of oranges and tangerines..and his cheeks glow as he snuggles into the crook of my arm in bed.  “The Giving Tree” he says holding out his favorite book. 

We lean back into the softness of the pillows, I pull my feet up, hold on to him, open the first page…he looks up at me and smiles… “I love you mommy,” he says and I let the water take me…